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Gentlemen,

I regret to inform you that I am stepping down as chair of the Sub-Committee on Underwater Meeting Groups. I must confess that although the tubes in my ears do account for a large portion of this decision, I have ulterior motives as well. After much deliberation, I have decided to abandon this profession completely.
I realize this must come as a great shock, after all my years of dedicated service, but I have been wrestling with this for some time. You see, there comes a time when one longs for change, and for me that time is now or sometime in the foreseeable future. It is my intention to leave behind my positions as Director of the Advisory Board for Giving Advice to Planks, Hed of the councell of Msspelled Wrds, Chair of Reclining and the many other fine groups I have worked with in the past.
For I am starting on a new journey, a journey called Family. This journey will be long and arduous, of that I have no doubt, but ultimately I will find it more fulfilling than serving as Director of The Group of Genetically Linked Individuals Whom Share a Last Name.
My time here at Pointless Enterprises will always hold a special place in my heart that it will never leave, until my new career and cholesterol push it elsewhere. Barring any trauma to the skull, I will also treasure dearly the memories of this place as if they were a dear treasure of some sort. I will remember the projects, the people, and the fun we had, such as the time when Hilmar Hilmarson Jr. put the isotopes from project alpha-60 into my tall half-skinny-half fat-three-quarter-mocha cappuccino. Oh the laughs we had at my resulting incurable sterility. That will be a story to tell my kids.
Enclosed within this letter are my identity card, my tri-folded wallet, my quarter-folded identity, my tri-quartered three dollars in change, and the macaroni silhouette bearing my likeness, which was given to me by my predecessor, Gordon Mistake.
In the grand tradition of this company, I too will leave something for the brave young lad/gal who takes my place, words of wisdom: "Reach for the stars, but also don't forget to bite the dirt as it is rich in nutrients and helps to build character and when wet can also be used to build small lumpy mounds so you can pretend you are a giant ruling over this city of mounds that must appease your mighty will." Also, there are several half-eaten containers of sour cream hidden around my office that should probably be disposed of soon.
I will try to stay in touch during my trek down the road of familial bliss, but my correspondence may be sparse. I imagine I will be quite busy dumping Packet 1 into 10oz of water, stirring until it dissolves, waiting 24 hours and then adding Packet 2. Soon after that my new cryptobiotic family and I will enjoy playing volleyball outside our undersea castle. It should be a glorious and moist experience, and I hope someday it can be yours as well, for only $6 plus shipping and handling.
Your Humble Servant Until the Statute of Limitations Runs Out On The Bet I Lost,
Mr. Hargrove Coriander

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